4 scripts to curb people-pleasing and say “no” with confidence

I was at a 200-person conference in Q2 and got invited to an optional 20-person dinner.

I didn’t want to go. But I felt guilty saying no.

The dinner host was connected to the conference organizer. It felt disrespectful to skip it.

What if people noticed I wasn’t there?

I texted my friend Sarah to ask if she was going.

Her response? “You’d have to pay me to go to that.”

She was so clear. So unapologetic.

“I’m not spending my time at a large dinner I don’t care about when I could be having real conversations at a small dinner with 3 people I actually want to connect with.”

She didn’t feel guilty. She just said “no.”

Revolutionary, I know.

The Problem

You say yes to things you don’t want to do because you’re afraid of seeming rude, ungrateful, or disrespectful.

A colleague invites you to their lunch-and-learn. You don’t care about the topic, but you go anyway.

A networking contact asks if you want to grab coffee “sometime.” You’re not interested in the relationship, but you say yes and then dread scheduling it.

You’re being polite at the expense of your time, energy, and priorities.

The Big Small Thing

Learn to be BRUTAL with your time.

(Brutal is one of the nine traits I write about in Wild Courage. It means having the courage to set your own boundaries and priorities without people-pleasing.)

I need to tell you something:

People-pleasing pleases no one, least of all yourself.

When you say yes to things you don’t want to do, you show up half-present, resentful, and probably wearing this:

It’s better to be clear and respectful upfront.

Here’s 4 ways to be BRUTAL without burning bridges:

For optional work events:

Don’t say: “I’m not sure if I can make it, but I’ll try.”

Say: “Thanks for the invite! I have a conflict that morning, so I need to pass. I hope it goes well.”

For networking requests you’re not interested in:

Don’t say: “Let me check my calendar and get back to you.”

Say: “Candidly, my schedule is at capacity right now, so I need to pass. I appreciate you thinking of me. Let’s stay connected on LinkedIn.”

For invitations from colleagues or friends:

Don’t say: “Maybe, I’ll see how I’m feeling.”

Say: “I need to pass this time. Thank you for including me. I hope it goes great!”

Be clear, brief, and move on. Don’t over-explain.

Want more? Here’s a free guide to saying no!

How This Helps You Get What You Want

Being polite isn’t the same as being kind.

Sometimes the kindest thing you can do — for yourself and for others — is to be honest about what you want.

Next time you feel obligated to say yes to something you don’t want to do?

Be brutal. Say no. Protect your time.

The people who matter will understand.

And if they don’t, that’s their problem, not yours.