3 “Manipulative” strategies to build authentic relationships that open doors

A few years ago, I wanted to meet bestselling author Vanessa Van Edwards.

I’d recently signed with a top literary agent.

I was trying to figure out the book world—and I wanted to learn from the best.

Vanessa was at the top of my list.

Through a mutual connection, we got introduced.

And by some twist of fate, I had a work trip in Austin (where she lives) just days later.

I emailed Vanessa:

“Though we were just introduced, any chance we could meet this Thursday? I happen to be in town then through Sunday! I’d love to buy you coffee and hear your thoughts about the book business.”

Vanessa replied, “I can’t believe the timing, but I’m out of town on the same days for a speaking event. Too bad!”

Now, I could’ve let it go. But I didn’t.

“Since we’re flying on the same day,” I replied, “I might be able to swing by your gate to say hi.”

She told me her flight time: 3:20 PM.

I scanned the Denver-to-Austin arrival times and changed my own flight to arrive at 12:50 PM instead of 4 PM.

“What luck!” I wrote back. “My flight gets in just before one.”

A $60 change fee to meet her in person would be a bargain at twice the price.

Serendipity isn’t found, it’s made.

Vanessa and I ended up talking until she boarded. And it was gold.

When I tell this story, people often flinch:

“Wait… you lied about your flight?”
“Isn’t that a little… manipulative?”

But here’s the truth:

If I had told Vanessa I was changing my flight, she would’ve felt pressure to meet. If her flight got delayed, she might’ve worried about canceling on me.

Why create that stress?

That’s not how you build a real relationship.

So I spared her the logistics—and made it easy to say yes.

(Note: Vanessa sends a great work social icebreaker every Monday. Sign up to her newsletter for social tips.)

The Problem

We cringe at the word “manipulative.”

We picture someone pushy, fake, or self-serving.

But in Wild Courage, I define “manipulative” as the courage to influence with empathy.

It’s the boldness to care enough about a connection to orchestrate a way to make it work—without making it weird.

And we’re all doing it every day:

Every time you recommend a solution.
Every time you rally support.
Every time you ask for feedback and actually act on it.

That’s influence. That’s leadership. That’s “manipulative”—in the best way.

The Big Small Thing

If the word manipulative still makes you squirm, think of it like this:

It’s not about pushing people.

It’s about removing obstacles—so it’s easy to say yes.

Here are 3 ways to be “Manipulative” this week:

1. Make it a no-brainer.

Instead of: “Can I get 30 minutes on your calendar?”

Try: “I’ll be on your floor for a meeting at 2 PM. Could I swing by for 5 minutes to run an idea by you?”

Why it works: You’ve done the work. All they have to do is nod.

2. Give before you ask.

Instead of: “Mind reviewing this?”

Try: “Your webinar on X helped me rethink this deck—especially slide 4. Can I get your eyes on it?”

Why it works: People are more likely to help when they know their insight already mattered.

3. Protect the vibe. (No guilting allowed!)

Instead of: “I moved three meetings and paid a $60 flight change fee to see you.”

Try: “So glad we got to connect—perfect timing.”
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Why it works: Nobody wants to feel like a burden. Just show up and make it feel easy.

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How This Helps You Get What You Want

When you frame your ask with intention…

✔ You remove the guesswork
✔ You reduce the friction
✔ You make it easy to say yes

Because strong relationships don’t just happen.

They’re built—deliberately, creatively, and yes, sometimes manipulatively.